Tosh.0 – CeWEBrity Profile – High School Football Fan

Tosh.0 – CeWEBrity Profile – High School Football Fan
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KNOX CITY GREYHOUNDS, IT’S TIME TO GET SERIOUS! THERE IS NOBODY BETTER! AND THERE IS NO OTHER HIGH
SCHOOL SIX-MAN FOOTBALL TEAM THAT IS HUNGRIER
THAN THESE GUYS! TYLYNNE EATON! HEATH HAM! JESUS RODRIGUEZ! PUT ON A HELMET! TIME TO GET PHYSICAL! IT’S TIME TO DOMINATE! [GROWLS] [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] WE ARE BY FAR THE ABSOLUTE NUMBER ONE BEST IN THE WORLD. IF HE LOOKS FAMILIAR, IT’S BECAUSE HE USED TO STAR
IN THAT SHOWRUGRATS.THAT’S CHAD, AND HE MAKES
MOTIVATIONAL VIDEOS TO FIRE UP HIS BELOVED
HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM, THE KNOX CITY GREYHOUNDS, WHICH APPEARS TO BE IN A HIGH RADIATION AREA
OF TEXAS. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL
IS A RELIGION IN TEXAS BECAUSE ANYTHING IS BETTER
THAN WATCHING TONY ROMO [BLEEP] THE BED
SEASON AFTER SEASON. IF A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME IS THE MOST INTERESTING THING
TO DO ON A FRIDAY NIGHT, YOU SHOULD BURN YOUR TOWN
TO THE GROUND. IT’S THE WORST VERSION
OF FOOTBALL. THE QUARTERBACKS
CAN’T THROW 10 YARDS, THE RUNNING BACKS ARE WHITE, AND THE ONLY ACTION
WORTH WATCHING IS HAPPENING
UNDERNEATH THE BLEACHERS. NO COUNTRY CARES MORE
ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETICS THAN AMERICA. THAT’S BECAUSE CARING
ABOUT OUR TEST SCORES WOULD BE A REAL DOWNER. I DIDN’T PLAY
HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE
STUPID PARENTS. PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID HE WOULDN’T LET HIS CHILD
PLAY FOOTBALL, BUT IF THAT KID
HAD MICHELLE’S SHOULDERS, HE’D BE AN ABSOLUTE BEAST. THE TOOTH IS, I RESPECT CHAD’S DEEP, ALMOST UNNATURAL
LOVE OF THE GAME. THAT’S WHY I FLEW
THAT HUMAN CAN OPENER TO L.A. FOR THIS WEEK’S
CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME
HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL? WELCOME TOHIGH SCHOOL GAMEDAY,BROUGHT TO YOU BY CLEARASIL AND PLANNED PARENTHOOD. WITH ME AS ALWAYS, CHAD. CHAD, GOT A GREAT WEEK
OF FOOTBALL AHEAD OF US. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. HOW LONG YOU BEEN WATCHING
HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL? I’VE BEEN WATCHING HIGH
SCHOOL FOOTBALL SINCE 2011. I THOUGHT YOU WERE
A LIFELONG FAN. OH.
[LAUGHS] WELL, I AM NOW. – WHERE ARE YOU FROM, CHAD?
– I AM FROM KNOX CITY. – DID YOU GROW UP HERE?
– NO, I GREW UP IN HASKELL. – IN WHERE?
– HASKELL. – HASKELL.
– HASKELL, TEXAS. NOW EXPLAIN TO ME
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 6-MAN
AND 11-MAN. SIX-MANS IS AT– IF YOU GET 45 POINTS
ON YOUR OPPONENT, THE GAME IS OVER. AND 11-MAN, YOU CAN GET, LIKE, 100,000 POINTS. IT DOESN’T MATTER. DO THEY HAVE A FULL
CHEERLEADING SQUAD, OR IS IT A THREE-PERSON
CHEERLEADING SQUAD? – IT’S FULL.
– OKAY. WHY DON’T YOU GIVE US ALL
A LITTLE HISTORY LESSON ABOUT KNOX CITY
AND THEIR RIVALRY GAME. THE THROCKMORTON GREYHOUNDS
AND KNOX CITY GREYHOUNDS ARE THE GREYHOUNDS. IT’S TWO DOGS, TWO BEASTS, GOING AGAINST EACH OTHER, AND IT IS PRIDE ON THE LINE
EVERY SINGLE TIME. AND KNOX CITY HAS GOTTEN CLOSE, BUT THEY’VE NEVER BEEN ABLE
TO BEAT THROCKMORTON. EVER. HOW MANY YEARS HAS THIS GAME
BEEN GOING ON? I’VE BEEN FOLLOWING IT
FOR THREE YEARS. IT’S BEEN GOING ON FOR
A LOT LONGER THAN THAT. SO IT’S BEEN GOING ON
LONGER THAN THREE YEARS. LONGER THAN THREE YEARS. SO TALK ABOUT
WHEN YOU STARTED MAKING THESE SHOUT-OUT VIDEOS. WHEN I MADE
THE SHOUT-OUT VIDEO, IT WAS A BIG, BIG,
BIG HIT. AND THE PLAYERS,
THEY LOVED IT. THEY WATCHED IT
SEVERAL, SEVERAL TIMES, AND THEY WERE MORE READY
THAN EVER THAT SEASON JUST BECAUSE OF THAT VIDEO. SO YOU’RE SAYING THAT YOU HAD
A BIGGER INFLUENCE ON THE HIGH SCHOOL
FOOTBALL PROGRAM THAN PROBABLY THE COACHES. – FAIR?
– WELL, FAIR, YOU BET. HAS ANYBODY EVER DUMPED
GATORADE ON TOP OF YOU? NO, NEVER. NEVER. DID YOU PLAY ANY FOOTBALL? I NEARLY DID. – YOU NEARLY DID.
– I NEARLY DID. AND THAT WASN’T
MY FAULT EITHER. BACK WHEN I WAS GOING
TO HASKELL HIGH SCHOOL– BACK WHEN YOU WERE
GOING TO WHERE– “HIGH SCHOOL” HIGH SCHOOL? – HASKELL.
– HASKELL, OKAY. YEAH, HASKELL
HIGH SCHOOL. – GOTCHA.
– YES. I SUITED UP, AND I GUESS
BECAUSE OF MY SHYNESS– – YOU’RE SHY?
– I WAS SHY BACK THEN, YES. BUT I SUITED UP, AND THE COACH
TOOK ONE LOOK AT ME AND SAID, “NO,
YOU’RE NOT GONNA DO IT.” – DID YOU GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL?
– NO. SEE, THAT’S WHAT
I’M TALKING ABOUT. YOU CAN GO BACK
TO HIGH SCHOOL. YOU COULD PLAY ONE YEAR. – EXACTLY.
– THAT’S WHAT KNOX CITY NEEDS. DO YOU LIKE WATCHING CHILDREN
PLAY ANY OTHER SPORTS? NO. ANY OF THE KIDS
GET SCARED OF YOU? SOME. DO YOU FOLLOW
GROWN-UP FOOTBALL? NFL, YES. – WHO’S YOUR TEAM?
– DALLAS. YOU THINK THE DOLPHINS WILL
EVER GO BACK TO THE SUPER BOWL? IF THEY TRY HARD ENOUGH. IT’S HOW BADLY DO THEY WANT IT. HOW HUNGRY ARE THEY? WHEN’S THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HUNGRY? FIVE MINUTES AGO.
[LAUGHS] ARE YOU WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT? – YES.
– WHAT ARE YOU AT RIGHT NOW? I AM AT 10 POUNDS LIGHTER
THAN I WAS. WHAT WERE YOU BEFORE?
YOU WANT ME TO GUESS IT? – GO AHEAD.
– 250. – CLOSE.
– HUH. 330. OKAY, THAT REALLY
WASN’T CLOSE. [LAUGHING] NOW IT’S TIME FOR
CHAD’S TASTE OF THE TOWN. THAT’S MY FAVORITE SEGMENT,
CHAD. YOU ARE GONNA LOVE THIS TOO. WE HAVE AN AUTHENTIC FIESTADA FROM THE KNOX CITY
CAFETERIA. – OOH.
– GO AHEAD. SINK YOUR TOOTH INTO THAT. I’M TOLD THERE’S
OVER 750 MILLIGRAMS OF SODIUM IN ONE SERVING. OH, YEAH. HERE WE GO, BABY.
HA. HOW IS SHE? – DELICIOUS.
– MMM. WHAT’S THE BEST FOOTBALL
MOVIE YOU’VE EVER SEEN? UM, TITANS… –REMEMBER THE TITANS.
REMEMBER THE TITANS.– YOU ALMOST FORGOT IT.
– YES. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOURSELF
THE 40 WEEKS A YEAR HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL
ISN’T IN SEASON? I’M ALWAYS THINKING
OF THE SHOUT-OUT. IT’S JUST AROUND
THE CORNER. AND NOW IT’S TIME
FOR TODAY’S PICK. FIRST UP, WE HAVE ASTRONAUT HIGH SCHOOL–
MY ALUM– THE FIGHTING WAR EAGLES, VERSUS THE TITUSVILLE TERRIERS. WHO DO YOU THINK
IS MORE FAMOUS, ME OR CRIS COLLINSWORTH? BOTH GRADUATES
FROM ASTRONAUT HIGH SCHOOL. THE OTHER. YOU THINK CRIS IS MORE FAMOUS? YEAH. [LAUGHING] ASTRONAUT IS GONNA MISS
DE’ANDRE MCCRAY UNDER CENTER, BUT TREVOR SUSIE… [WHISTLES] IS A SHARP KID WITH A MONSTER ARM. CANNON. I LIKE THE WAR EAGLES AT HOME. GREAT PICK, DANIEL. BUT IT’S NOT EASY
BRINGING DOWN JALEEL DAVIS. IT’LL BE A BATTLE
UP FRONT, BUT I THINK ASTRONAUT TAKES
HOME THE HENRY HUDSON TROPHY. OH-HO-HO! FROM YOUR TOOTH TO GOD’S EARS, I HOPE SO. NOW FOR THE GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL, KNOX CITY VERSUS THROCKMORTON. GREYHOUND VERSUS GREYHOUND. VERY CONFUSING
FOR AN INNER-CITY RIVALRY. I PERSONALLY WILL BE PICKING THROCKMORTON BECAUSE IT’S JUST FUN TO SAY. DON’T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT EITHER OF THE TEAMS. PERSONALLY, I THINK SIX-MAN FOOTBALL IS STUPID, BUT THROCKMORTON. – WHO YOU GOT?
– KNOX CITY! THROCKMORTON HAS HAD
YOUR NUMBER YEAR AFTER YEAR
AFTER YEAR! WHO’S HUNGRIER? WHO’S HUNGRIER? WHO WANTS IT MORE? WELL, WHO YOU GONNA PICK? YEAH! OH! OKAY.
OKAY, NOW, IS THAT A KNOX CITY
GREYHOUND OR A THROCKMORTON
GREYHOUND? I DON’T REALLY CARE, AS LONG AS IT COVERS
YOUR FACE. I’M TEASIN’.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. I’M GONNA GO GRAB ONE
OF THOSE NUTRITIOUS FIESTADAS FROM THE CAFETERIA. AS WE ALL KNOW, CHAD HERE IS NOT
LEGALLY ALLOWED TO BE NEAR THE FIELD
WHEN THE KIDS COME OUT. I’LL BE DOING MY PART
AND LISTENING ON THE RADIO! ENJOY FOOTBALL FRIDAY. WE GOT KNOX CITY
AND THROCKMORTON, COMING UP NEXT. [GENTLE ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC] ♪ ♪ (MAN ON RADIO)
THE GREYHOUNDS ARE REALLY
PUTTING IT TO THROCKMORTON. IF ONLY THERE WAS– (MAN ON RADIO)
MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED
YESTERDAY AFTER PRACTICE. (MAN ON RADIO)
THE GREYHOUNDS TAKE A KNEE. THE CLOCK TICKS DOWN, AND THAT IS IT. THAT’S THE BALL GAME. KNOX CITY
HAS BEATEN THROCKMORTON FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, 59 TO ZIP. IT IS A MIRACLE. CLEAR EYES,
ONE TOOTH, CAN’T LOSE. SOMETHING ABOUT BEING
ON THEGAMEDAYSET WITH MY FROSTED TIPS MADE ME
WANT TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE,

80 thoughts on “Tosh.0 – CeWEBrity Profile – High School Football Fan

  1. Obama wouldn't let his son play football? But said the kid who drinks cough syrup with Skittles could have been his son? Way to keep the stereotype alive there Obama. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  2. I'm missing the same tooth and I rolled laughing at "the tooth of the matter is" πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    I love how it took the audience a second to laugh lol

  3. I always end up liking these people a lot more after the interviews. Tosh is so good.

    Oh, except that one gangster guy on the yacht. Lol!

  4. Only in the south I live in Alabama and I was so happy when I saw this guy cut a wrestling promo for high school football was not from Alabama was so thankful he wasn't from here

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