He’s gonna take you back to the past To play the shitty games that suck ass He’d rather have a buffalo Take a diarrhea dump in his ear He’d rather eat the rotten asshole Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd He’s the Angry Atari Sega Nerd He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included, mostly NES games that I own already, but there’s one that caught my attention: Nintendo World Championships. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. Somebody’s trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don’t realize that what they’re selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called PowerFest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of ten thousand bucks, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only twenty-six were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that’s been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown, but, in recent years, many of them have shown up in auctions commanding huge prices, but there’s still more out there. There were other Nintendo contests, like Campus Challenge–two of them– and the Super Nintendo PowerFest ’94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the holy grail amongst NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let’s find out! Oh boy, I can’t wait! It’s–I wonder–it’s probably the gray one! But who knows? It might even be the gold one! This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about fifty bucks. Well, at least I can still say I own Nintendo World Championships. It’s not the real thing. I’ll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah! Somebody who’s as obsessed with game collecting as I am. When it comes to NES, he’s even more crazy. (Balloon Fight theme playing) (phone ringing) Hello? Hey Pat, you NES Punk, this is the Nerd. N…N…Nerd? I don’t think I know any Nerd… The Fucking Nerd. Oh! Oh, that Nerd. Well, why didn’t you say so? [Nerd]
So, I was just wondering, uh, how’s your game collection been going? I have Flintstones: Surprise at Dinosaur Peak! Nice. Hm. Magical Chase for the TurboGrafx-16! Come on! You got better stuff than that! What about the Power Glove in the collector’s case? [Nerd]
What else? [Pat]
I know, you want something special. [Nerd] Yeah.
[Pat] Something spectacular. [Pat]
How about the… Super Mario Brothers Swimmies? [Nerd]
Hm. Yeah, well, that’s neat if you’re six years old. I’m talking, like, NES. My beloved M82 demo unit. No, that thing’s a piece of crap! What?! [Nerd]
All right, well, tell you what, what’s the most rare NES game you have? [Pat]
Ha ha ha. Well, if you must know, I do happen to own a little game called the Nintendo World Championships cart? Uh… y-y-you mean a reproduction, right? Oh, it’s real. Wow, are you sure? It could be a fake. You never know. Pretty sure it’s real. Tell you what. Uh, if you come on over, I’ll help, uh, authenticate it for you. [Nerd]
I’ll give it the Nerd seal of approval. The Nerd seal of approval? What is that, like, you’ll take a dump on it? No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I’ll take a look at it. Oh. [Pat] Hey, Nerd. How are you?
[Nerd] Hey! How you doing? [Pat] Here in the basement.
[Nerd] Yep. [Pat] Well, you know why you asked me here, yes…
[Nerd] Oh, of course. Oh my God, Amiga in the box?! Great computer system, but, you know, you shouldn’t put it on top of the boxed Odyssey because it’s going to damage the box and get creases there and stuff. [Pat] Again, I know why you asked me here.
[Nerd] Yeah, yeah. APF TV Fun? Cute, fun little Pong set. You know, you get this stuff, it’s amazing, all this stuff you find, you know? [Nerd] All right, let’s see the NWC.
[Pat] The what? [Pat] Oh, the World Championships cart.
[Nerd] Yeah. [Pat]
O-OK, just… yeah. [Pat]
Be-be careful! Um… ah, this isn’t the real thing. Nah. What do you mean…? It’s fake, sorry to say. Oh, no, yeah, you’re right, it’s not–it’s not real at all. I just spent thousands of dollars on a fake game! Ah… I-I could, I could take it off your hands, um… I know you need to make room for all those games you have in your collection and everything, you know– I appreciate it, but I’ll just take that fake game back. Uh, well, ah, I could trade you another game, like, how about, ah… Combat on Atari? [Pat]
Oh, wow, Combat. Classic game. It was included with every Atari 2600. I love that game, but, you know what, I’m going to go ahead, I’ll just–I’ll just–just give me back that one right there. C’mon, Combat! Yeah. Combat! Com…bat. With the tanks! (makes gunfire and explosion noises) Uh-huh. Tanks? [Nerd] Planes, too. (makes plane noises)
[Pat] Yeah. Yeah, it’s– Like I said, it’s OK, but you know what, I’m-I’m totally fine, I probably have a couple Combat carts, I’ll just take that one back. Tell you what. You see that box of games over there? You can take the whole thing, just for this one fake game. You know what? I’ll-I’ll take a look. I’ll take a look. Wow, look at the games! Oh, Golf. Plain old regular black box Golf. Oh, wow, this is worth a lot of money. Oh, not one, but TWO copies of Home Alone! Oh, jeez. Super Mario Duck Hunt? I only have fourteen other copies! And what’s this? More games underneath? Well, let’s see what else we have in this treasure trove of games! Oh, yeah. Great, we got Spot here. Oh, Hook! Arr! And, oh, at least there’s a decent one, we got Legend of Zelda. W-what was that game you just had? Oh, tha–that was just Legend of Zelda! Legend of my ass! No, no, don’t-don’t-don’t touch it! I wasn’t gonna touch it, I was just pointing at it. [Pat] Don’t point even!
[Nerd] Don’t point? It can’t be played. Never. [Nerd] Can I look at it?
[Pat] No. Don’t look at it. Hm. [Nerd]
Oh my fucking God. OK, relax. Rel-relax! It-it’s just a video game. It’s only a Nintendo World Championships gold cart. It’s just the most sought-after video game on the planet! (both laughing hysterically) It’s right there! And it’s–it’s mine! It’s all mine! What–no-no-no-no-no, that was my box! You traded me for it; I accepted. No you didn’t. You were just making fun of those games. No, no, I really wanted all those fine games! I needed another copy of Super Mario Duck Hunt! I’m making a coffee table out of them! Oh, oh, really? Oh, w-w-well, you can take them all then. Yeah, yeah, but you’re not getting that NWC gold cart! I didn’t even know it was in there. Uh, maybe you should get the prescription renewed on your glasses? The gray is better. I mean, look at it! It’s individually numbered, and these were the game carts actually used in the competition. The gold… well, these are just… giveaways. Here, take it. Yeah, you know what? You are right. The gray one is better. You know, I feel really bad taking it away from you. So, here, give me back the gold one and I’ll give you back your gray one. I appreciate the gesture, but that’s OK. You go ahead, you keep that gray one. I’ll stick with the cheap gold giveaway. Yeah, but the gold one’s a piece of crap! I mean, you don’t want that! I mean, you know how they made those. They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on. With glue! Yeah! Elmer’s Glue! Yeah, yeah. I bet Mister Elmer himself glued it on. From his own goat. (makes goat bleating sound) Yeah, OK, well, um… I guess I’ll be going now. OK, fine. And the award for best NES collection in the world goes to… Pat the NES Punk. (applause, cheering) I did it! I can’t believe I did it! Both World Championships carts! Oh man! Oh, what an award! What an honor! Thank–yeah! Oh, yeah! (crickets) Now, I officially know now that I have the best NES collection in the known universe, but I couldn’t have done it without all of you! Wait, who am I kidding? I did this all myself, and you’re all jealous! (laughing) (crickets) All right, Nerd. We’re gonna settle this like men! OK, Pat. We’re gonna play some Nintendo World Championships! Yeah! Winner takes all! OK. Wh-where’s-where’s your Nintendo? Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster. The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I’m not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin! Well, yeah–I mean, with all seriousness, we shouldn’t be messing with these, really. I mean, like you said, they can never be played, let alone looked at! So let’s play the reproduction cart. Great idea! [Nerd]
All right, hey–wait, the start’s not working, what’s going on here? Well, second player starts it! Are you ready? Ooh, starting gun! [Nerd]
Super Mario Brothers? [Pat]
Yeah, you gotta get 50 coins as quickly as you can! You better go! [Nerd]
Well, that’s lame. I thought this was supposed to be this super-rare, elusive game. Not Super Mario Brothers, which you could get for like, two bucks, with Duck Hunt included. [Nerd]
OK, so I got the 50 coins, that’s it? That’s it. Now, it’s on to Rad Racer! [Nerd]
Oh, now we’re playing Rad Racer? [Pat]
Yeah–oh, but just the first, the first race. [Nerd]
You gotta be kidding me. [Pat]
It’s a competition, Nerd! [Nerd]
Just to think that the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car! Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn’t be a racer as rad as this! [Nerd]
All right, so I finished Rad Racer. Now I’m up to Tetris? [Pat]
Final game, Nerd. All right, you’re on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. Wait, wait, why am I helping you? [Pat]
You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry Nintendo Nerd, to the Video Game Nerd! I’m the NES Punk, I deserve these games! I know a lot of people who own Tetris. [Nerd]
And they actually have the whole game! [Pat]
That’s it! OK, that’s your score. I’m going to annihilate it. Thank you very much! [Pat]
OK, I just beat you on Super Mario Brothers, now it’s Rad Racer time.
[Nerd] Look at that. Well, you got two more games! Yeah, I know I do! I can count! [Nerd]
Well, just think. We’re playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So what’s the point? Just to play on an overly-priced game cartridge? What’s the point? The point is those games are a part of Nintendo and video game history. They’re a part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our–our society! [Pat]
Tetris is next. I’m not letting you talk me out of this one. I’m gonna win! [Nerd]
No, I’m serious! This game is a piece of shit! [Pat]
C’mon, Pat! C’mon! Yeah! Triple line score! Double line score! I’m gonna win! The games are mine! Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedestal! It’s an over-glorified holy shit grail! Fuck it to hell! Fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence! [Pat]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! (grunting) Here you go. You can have this one. (laughing) (both laughing)
[Nerd] Oh, man. (both yelling)