Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open – SNL

Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open – SNL
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ PHONE DIALING ] [ RINGING ]
>>YELLO. IT’S DONALD TRUMP.
WHO THIS?>>IT’S MICHAEL COHEN.
GOD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.>>OH, HEY, WHAT’S UP, AMIGO.
HOW YOU HOLDING UP IN PRISON?>>I’M NOT IN PRISON.
>>OH, WELL, GIVE IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
>>MR. TRUMP, WE’RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
I THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT OUR ALLUSION-CAY AND OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE-JAY.>>SORRY, I DON’T WANT SPEAK
SPANISH. WAIT, ARE YOU ON A SECURE LINE?
>>ABSOLUTELY. I DIALED STAR-86 BEFORE THE
NUMBER, SO IT’S COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE.
MR. TRUMP, I DON’T WANT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STORY ON THE STORMY DANIELS PAYMENT.
>>LOOK, LET’S GET RUDY GIULIANI ON THE PHONE.
HE’LL FIX THIS. HE’S GOT THE SHARPEST LEGAL MIND
SINCE “MY COUSIN VINNIE.”>>OKAY, BUT JUST TO BE SAFE,
LET ME CALL YOU BACK ON ONE OF MY BURNER PHONES.
>>WAIT, YOU KEPT THE BURNER PHONES?
THAT’S NOT GOOD. [ DIALING ]
[ RINGING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>YES, HELLO, THIS IS DR. HAROLD BORNSTEIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW ANY OF MY PATIENTS’ MEDICAL HISTORY?
>>HEY, MAN, I’M SORRY. I TRIED TO DIAL TRUMP, DONALD,
BUT I DIALED TRUMP DOCTOR.>>IS THIS YOU, MICHAEL COHEN?
MICHAEL, I’M GLAD YOU CALLED. SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY OFFICE AND
STOLE MY FILES. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS
RAPED!>>I DON’T THINK YOU CAN SAY
THAT.>>WELL, I ALREADY DID.
RAPED!>>ALL RIGHT.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?>>NO.
I’M — I’M BUSY LATER. I’M KIDDING.
I HAVE ZERO COMMITMENTS PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY.
BUT IF YOU EVER WANT TO DO DRUGS, I CAN GET YOU ALL THE
DRUGS.>>ALL RIGHT.
I’LL CALL YOU BACK, HAROLD. GOOD-BYE.
>>ALL RIGHT. OKAY, I’LL JUST BE SITTING HERE
IN MY OFFICE, WHERE I LIVE. BYE!
[ DIALING ]>>HELLO?
>>HEY — RUDY? IS THAT YOU?
>>YES. THAT’S RIGHT.
IT’S ME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>RUDY. RUDY GIULIANI, TRUMP’S LAWYER
AND HIS WORST NIGHTMARE.>>LOOK, RUDY, CAN WE SPEAK
FREELY? ARE YOU ALONE?
>>YEAH, YEAH, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALONE.
THIS IS A COMMERCIAL BREAK, RIGHT, TOOTS.
>>NO.>>OKAY, YEAH, WE’RE GOOD TO
TALK. WE’RE GOOD TO TALK.
>>ALL RIGHT. LET ME LOOP IN MR. TRUMP.
ALL RIGHT. IS EVERYONE ON?
>>YES.>>ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, CAN WE PLEASE JUST DECIDE ON ONE LIE AND STICK TO IT?
BECAUSE OUR STORIES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
>>GUYS, HOLD THAT THOUGHT. I’M GETTING A CALL FROM WORK.
>>MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE LOST ALL CREDIBILITY.
DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THE STORMY DANIELS AFFAIR?
>>YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DO.
>>OKAY, GOOD! JUST AS LONG AS WE’RE ON THE
SAME PAGE. I’M GOOD TO GO.
SEE YOU MONDAY.>>OKAY, I’M BACK.
>>HEY, GUYS, GUYS, CAN WE HURRY THIS UP.
I’M SUPPOSED TO DO 25 MORE TALK SHOW APPEARANCES TODAY AND I’M
TRYING TO MAKE IT LIKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR, YOU KNOW, WHERE I
REVEAL ONE NEW CRIME ON EACH SHOW, SO.
>>HEY, I’M GETTING ANOTHER CALL.
HANG ON.>>HELLO, MICHAEL?
IT’S MELANIA.>>OH, HEY, MELANIA!
I WAS JUST TALKING TO DONALD ABOUT —
>>OH, UH, LISTEN, I HAVE A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION
FOR A FRIEND OF MINE, OKAY? IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ACCUSED OF
CRIME, WOULD SHE HAVE TO TESTIFY AGAINST HIM?
>>NO.>>BUT COULD SHE?
IF SHE WANT TO?>>I GUESS SHE COULD.
>>OH, MY FRIEND WILL BE SO HAPPY.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.>>OKAY.
WAIT. WHICH PHONE WAS MR. TRUMP ON?
HELLO?>>YEAH, THIS IS OMAROSA AND I’M
STILL PISSED OFF!>>NOPE.
HELLO?>>HI, THERE, STRANGER.
WHAT’S YOUR NAME?>>MIKE PENCE?
>>WHO IS THIS? I WAS TOLD THIS WAS A PARTY LINE
WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED.>>I — I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.
>>UH –>>HELLO?
>>YES, THIS IS IVANKA AND JARED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>HI.
HI. HELLO.
>>MICHAEL, DID WE HEAR GIULIANI CALL JARED “DISPOSABLE” ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION? BECAUSE JARED IS FURIOUS.
>>YEAH, MAN, I’M LIKE WHAT THE HELL, I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME. I COULD CUT A BITCH.
DON’T EVEN TRY TO COVER FOR ME, OKAY?
>>YOU KNOW, IVANKA, YOUR DAD WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT
YOU, BUT IF HE NEEDS TO, HE WOULD THROW JARED UNDER THE BUS
IN A HEARTBEAT.>>WHAT’D HE SAY?
>>HE SAID YOU’RE FINE.>>YOU KNOW, I’LL TALK TO YOU
LATER.>>MR. TRUMP?
>>WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, MICHAEL?
I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT ON HOLD.
I’M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING WITH MY NEW CHIEF STRATEGIST, KANYE
WEST.>>THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO?>>CALL UP STORMY DANIELS AND
FIX THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. MAYBE KEEP ME ON THE PHONE, TOO.
I’LL JUST BE QUIET AND LISTEN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>MICHAEL?>>STORMY?
THIS IS MICHAEL COHEN. ARE YOU ALONE?
>>YES.>>AND WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
>>EXCUSE ME?>>OKAY MICHAEL, I CAN TAKE IT
FROM HERE.>>OKAY, BUT AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I
HIGHLY ADVISE AGAINST YOU –>>SO, WHAT UP, GIRL?
>>HELLO, DONALD.>>COME ON, STORMY, STOP MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S JUST AN ACT.
>>I WORK IN A ADULT FILMS. WE’RE NOT REALLY KNOWN FOR OUR
ACTING.>>JUST TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU
NEED FOR THIS TO ALL GO AWAY?>>A RESIGNATION.
>>YEAH, RIGHT. BEING PRESIDENT IS LIKE DOING
PORN. ONCE YOU DO IT, IT’S HARD TO DO
ANYTHING ELSE. BESIDES, MY POLL NUMBERS ARE
FINALLY UP. AND SPEAKING OF “POLLS” BEING
UP — OH, COME ON, WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE SHARK WEEK.
I SOLVED NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA. WHY CAN’T I SOLVE US?
>>SORRY, DONALD. IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT.
I KNOW YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT A
A-COMING, BABY.>>I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED AND
SO HORNY AT THE SAME TIME. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

100 thoughts on “Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open – SNL

  1. At first I thought it was Amy Poehler playing Stormy Daniels; but then I realized it was the real Stormy Daniels in this cold open!

  2. Oh my goodness, itโ€™s black widow herself ๐Ÿ’•Scarlett Johansson ๐Ÿ’•if there was a woman who could press so many buttons, it would be her ๐ŸŒIโ€™d go bananas for ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’•

  3. It's funny …I see a the roasting of Trump but yet SNL still feels Trump will be president of the United States..it's funny when you watch it again

  4. Love how they hate trump but theyโ€™ll hire his home wrecker mistress. Real classy. So you get rewarded for being a home wrecking whore, but trump canโ€™t get some in the side. For some reason when people hate you itโ€™s bad, but when youโ€™re not the hated one in the equation you get a job that any struggling comic would die to have. We reward lying, snitching destructive behavior and we condemn it too. Very classy

  5. I canโ€™t believe they ACTUALLY got Stormy Daniels, thatโ€™s amazing ๐Ÿ˜†
    I never actually realised how beautiful she is, either <3

  6. Ben Stiller looks so much like his father, the comedic genius who started in Happy Days with his classic Arthur Fanzarelli "heyyyyy"

  7. I love Stormy Daniels โ€œ I know you donโ€™t believe in climate change but a storms a comingโ€ ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  8. And the biggest punchline of them all is no matter what the liberal media says or does, or what this failing shows as well, he's still your president and will be through 2024. Hillary committed more crimes in a weekend than Trump did his whole life and you worshiped her, blindly, just like you hate him, blindly. Well the rest of us can see clearly and just like in 2016, we'll speak up again in 2020. Good luck with Warren, Biden, Bernie and Kamala. LOLOLOLOLOL.

  9. Watching this around 12:50 am Friday 8/30/19 , the worst week in trump's term as the fascist machine begins operatingin the open by taking the imigrant children from the camps and turn themover to betsy"the cunt"vos and she sells them to a catholic anti choice adoption place, never to see their parents again and they will never be seen again as well.,this cold open with all of the cameos was the happy tonic needed. God knows about today. Another nuclear bomb?

  10. So true because this shit-bag-fuck-head is actually doing time in federal prison now. AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH.

  11. funny how trumpers only care that the left and the fucking world is triggered at trump. how patriotic. ok …you guys win. but do you know…that as much as we think trump is dumb and ignorant, not to mention classless, and dumb (just for good measure), WE THINK WORSE OF YOU…THE TRUMP SUPPORTER. because you couldn't manage to get your brain to work…and realize that he is bad for your party and america. you guys showed the depths of how dumb someone can be. i sure didn't know. from now on…i'm not going to say , 'dumbshit' when referring to you guys…but , rather, magashit. yeah… you maga as shit man. what a magashit…lol

  12. i'd vote for stormy (and shes a republican), and day of the fucking week. cuz i know…she'd listen to people smarter than her. too bad she thought donald was one back then. his money and business came from his papa stormy. you got impressed by the wrong guy.

  13. in the soon to be made movie, Trumpster Fire…. the cast will be:

    trump – kevin costner
    ivanka trump – a blond anne hathaway
    older shit-stain trump – jake g? idk
    younger cum-flake trump – is buseys kid still around?
    melania – no one… never see her anyway.
    sean hannity – a big white dildo with a big thumb for a face
    mueller – ……..
    putin – snl beck… oh yeah

  14. Geez SNL has reached a new low allowing an actual porn star on set. So embarrassing. It's not like it's Dillion Harper, Dana Dermond, Dani Daniels, Dani Jensen, Mia Malkova (before Blacked), Adriana Chechik (after Blacked), Veronica Avluv, Kendra Lust, Aubrey Sinclair or Emily Addison. They put Stormy Daniels their show. That's just nasty.

  15. Boy, SNL was off on this. And on Avenatti, and on Trumps tax evasion, and on the Mueller report, and on collusion, and on obstruction, and on the caravan, and on the crisis at the border and now on a bogus impeachment. Gee….I guess SNL sucks lately.

  16. I'm pleased there are so many people who have clicked "like" on this post, as it provides us a roster of names for the internment camps.

  17. Trump is an idiot BUT I don't trust women!!, they all seem to show up with accusations when the pay off is biggest!!

  18. Just so good. Trump has no shame. So sad. But we are happy because he will be ousted soon. At most one more year. And America will get rid of this sickness.

  19. Knowing Trump's mental state with all you people Picking on this poor misunderstood soul is tantamount to schoolyard bullying. And dam it this ungodly practice has to stop. My name is Mike Pence ( and I with mother approve this message )

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