Fire Drill – The Office US


*door shuts* *locks door* Last week I give a fire safety talk, *clears throat* and nobody paid any attention. It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. *pours lighter fluid* *lights cigarette* Today, smoking is gonna save lives. *flicks cigarette, igniting trash bin* *throws lighter fluid container into fire* Does anyone smell anything smoky? Did you bring your jerky in again? *clears throat* Oh my God! Uh.. Oh my God! Stanley: FIRE! Oh Fire?! Oh my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do people? The phones are dead! Dwight: Oh how did that happen? Kevin: It’s out in the hall! Dwight: No, we don’t know that. The smoke can be coming through an air duct. Michael: Oh my God! Okay, it’s happening! Everybody stay calm! Dwight: What’s the procedure everyone? What’s the procedure? Michael: STAY F*****G CALM! Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Michael: EVERYBODY F*****G CALM DOWN!! Dwight: No no! Michael No! Dwight: Touch the handle, if it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway! Michael: What does warm mean? Everyone: *groaning* Oh my God. Dwight: Mmm, not a viable option. Dwight: What next? Michael: Don’t Run! Everyone: *Murmuring in Panic* Dwight: Oh! Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle? Andy: It– it’s warm! Jim: K–go to the back door. Dwight: Well, uh, another option. *Everyone panicking and screaming* Dwight: Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching! Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse. Andy: Leave it woman! Michael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go! Dwight: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can- *Chaos and Panic* Oscar: Ah! My hand! That’s hot! Andy: Aah! This ones hot too! Michael: Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself. Dwight: Okay, let’s go. Everyone: *shouting* Out of my way! Let’s go. Get out of my way! *Chaos and Panic* Dwight: Calm, please Andy: Get out of the way! Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim? Andy: Move it!! Dwight: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha– Use a what to cover the mouth? *MORE Chaos and Panic* Angela: *pulling cat out of filing drawer* It’s okay. Shh shhh. *cat meows* Dwight: A what? A rag. A damp rag perhaps. *Oscar escaping through roof* Dwight: Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? *Pushing and Shoving* Dwight: Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Dwight: Remember your exit points. Exit points people. Angela: Oscar. Oscar! Oscar: Stay alive! I’m getting help! Angela: Pull me up! Oscar: You’re too heavy! Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds! *Oscar crawls away* Angela: Uh– save Bandit! Angela: *throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side* *MEOW* Angela: OH! Dwight: How about 911? Anyone? 911. Michael: *tries to break open window* *SMACK* Kevin: *smashes vending machine with a chair* *steals snacks* *SMASH* Pam: What do we do?! Dwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Jim: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. *Dwight lights firecrackers* *Mass Coughing* *Firecrackers pop loudly* Angela: What is that? What is that? Andy: THE FIRE’S SHOOTING AT US!! *Everyone Screaming* Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?! *Dwight pulls Fire Alarm* Jim: Let’s try this Andy: Yes! Yes, ba– Yes, battering ram! Battering ram! *Oscar’s leg crashes through the ceiling* Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! Andy: Go, go, go, go, go!! AHHH! *Jim and Andy ram the door with the copying machine* *Angela shrieks* *Everyone yelling* *Micheal throws projector out window* Micheal: HELP!! HELP!! Stanley: Oh God! I’m about to die! *Jim and Andy ram the door with the copying machine* *Everyone shrieking* *Dwight blows airhorn* Dwight: ATTENTION!! Dwight: Employees of Dunder-Mifflin! Dwight: This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. Dwight: There is no fire. It was only a simulation. Jim: WHAT?! Dwight: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. *Oscar drops down from ceiling* Dwight: So what have we learned? *Stanley collapses* Dwight: Oh come on! It’s not real Dwight: Stanley don’t have a heart attack! *everyone rushes to Stanley* Michael: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Michael: STANLEY YOU WILL NOT DIE! Michael: Stanley! Stanley! Michael: Barack is President! Michael: YOU ARE BLACK STANLEY! Michael: I’m gonna give him mouth-to-mouth Jim: No, no, no! Don’t give him mouth to mouth for this! Michael: He’s going to swallow his tongue. Jim: No. Michael. Michael. Michael: Don’t swallow it! Kelly: Michael get off him! Stop! Michael: I’m fine! Leave me al– *Michael bring dragged away by Toby, Kevin, and Jim* *Outro*

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